Since I experienced second episode of Schizophrenia in May 2019 I have decided to transform! My decision was to face and understand reality the way it is and not through my skewed perceptions of my own inner world which often was based on simple fear, unhealthy or irrelevant beliefs.

I decided no longer to be delusional (symptom of schizophrenia, which we all experience to a degree), and my first task was to understand and be myself, which already was challenging as I was schizophrenic, and I was afraid people will think I am crazy, dangerous, disabled and so on, however when I heard stories of other schizophrenic that went through treatment and recovered it gave me courage, and I started to talk about my schizophrenia with others and simply revealed my condition, and to my surprise, my fear was baseless, I didn’t get any critique or fear of my condition, I was more afraid of TV news about mentally ill people who were doing dangerous or violent things, and the perception they were creating about schizophrenic and I started to fear that is how world see’s schizophrenics.

With time I took courage to share my condition with my client (I am a contractor) which is HS2, and my manager was very understanding and colleagues were very understanding and supportive, which gave me confidence that share my condition on social media and again I have mostly seen very positive reactions, recently I created a poll are schizophrenic dangerous and it was interesting to see that it was 50/50 reaction so yes there is still perception in 50% of people schizophrenic are dangerous but 50% said that no more than a “normal” (neurotypical) person.

Yesterday (5th of Jan 2022) I was thinking about setting up a journal and share my thoughts with others on social media, but I was afraid it is not something people want to read, on the other hand I thought that sharing my story and transformation can be helpful to at least some people, I was also afraid that people will not interact with my posts and I will simply lose opportunity to post something more useful for my audience, but on the other hand I thought what if I post something in a way that show my way of thinking and how I am transforming myself? What if I just be myself and accept critique or misunderstandings which may appear in comments? Which is more important for me, being afraid and close from the world, and be myself even if I’m misunderstood or people don’t find any value in it?

I have no idea what will happen with my new journal like posts but I am not afraid to try, I have courage to be myself and believe in myself, so at least I will try and see how that goes. At the end of the day I prefer to have smaller audience of people who see value in my self-reflection and sharing my thoughts with the world, then being very popular on social media and pretending to be someone else.

Take care

Emil

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